Would you still die for me?

Miranda spent Christmas Break 2001 with us. We had many long, and sometimes intense, conversations. One such conversation began as we were driving. She turned to me and said, “Do you remember when you said you loved me so much you would die for me?” I told her that I did, and she asked me if I still felt that way.

The back story here is that Miranda was always full of vim and vinegar. She was full of life and one never had to wonder what she was feeling. When she was happy she was jubilant. When she was angry she was equally dramatic. It was not that she was a drama queen, but simply that she was passionate.

There were times when she put my love for her to the test. I told her at one point that no matter what she did, I would NEVER call the state to ask that she be removed from my home. In more than one such conversation, I told her that I loved her would die for her if needed.

Back to Christmas 2001. “Yes, I remember those conversations. And yes, I still love you and would die for you.” I went on to elaborate, “Now, that does not mean that I would step in front of a train or a bus just to prove how much I love you, but if you were in danger, I would do whatever I could, including giving my own life to save you.”

Fast forward to when it became clear that Weaver had killed her, this conversation became the focus of much of my thoughts. When I was a teen and babysitting my cousins, or later when my nieces and nephews arrived I truly believed I could not love them any more if they were my own. Now I know that I was wrong! At the same time, I know that my love for Miranda or the love of my two daughters pales in comparison to God’s love for us.

I thought about how I would have given my life without hesitation to prevent Miranda’s suffering and death. I would have done that without a moment’s thought. I would have done ANYTHING to prevent her suffering. I thought about how much more God’s love for us to not only sacrifice His son, but to plan it from the beginning of time to save us from eternity without Him.

I would die for my kids without a moment’s thought.  The idea of knowing before your child’s birth that he would die the most horrific death that man-kind could dish out, and that that death would be to provide salvation to all including those that killed him….. That is incomprehensible love.

#MirandaGaddis

I am Jonah

After Ward Weaver was arrested, I felt a strong need to write him a letter. I thought that the purpose of that letter was to let him know that there was another family, another mother, that was morning Miranda's death. I wanted him to know of our pain. But more importantly, I wanted to know WHY he had killed her.

Yet I DIDNOT want to communicate with him in any way. The pull to write this letter was strong, but my disdain was equally strong. I struggled with this for a long time. As time went on, I began to realize that it was not me, but God, who wanted me to write to Weaver.  Why would he want me to write? I really began to balk. I was no longer arguing with myself, but with GOD.

I began to feel like a Jonah. I even joked about being afraid to go near large bodies of water for fear of being swallowed by a big fish.  I knew God wanted me to write for some reason, but I was adamant that I was NOT GOING TO DO IT! I knew that I was refusing to obey but yet I was not willing to sit down and do what I knew He wanted me to do. What was the purpose? Who cares if Weaver knows I exist. He would not be moved to confess or to give me answers about WHY he had killed her. Writing to him would only feed is perverted ego.

Finally, I decided to obey. The letter did begin by my telling him who I was, and I intended to write about our pain and ask for answers. However, the letter very quickly changed tone. Before I realized it, I was writing about God's love and forgiveness. I told him how much God loved him and how God's forgiveness was available to him.

Now, I am not saying that I no longer felt disgusted by what he had done or that I felt any warm and fuzzy feelings for him. I did however realize that God loved him and that if Jesus had died for me, he had also died for Weaver. I was flooded with all sorts of conflicting emotions.

I told him about the most impactful conversation I had ever had with anyone. I will relate that to you in the next post “Would you still die for me?” This conversation with Miranda the Christmas before her death will stick with me forever. After her death it was the key thing that helped me better understand the love of God. While writing the letter to Weaver, I was suddenly overcome with the fact that if Christ had died for me, He had died for Weaver also. If that was true, how could I withhold that information from him. As I relayed how much God loved him and how much He wanted Weaver to accept him as personal savior, my heart melted. I was able to forgive him.

If I am forgiven, I must also forgive.

I never sent that letter. I printed it and had planned on sending it, but that day he got his ugly mug on TV again. Remember, forgiveness does not mean I like him! I did not want him to think that I was writing in response to his news appearance. So I waited. A few weeks later, I started to send it and, AGAIN, he was a top news story.

This is when I knew. The letter was not about him. It was about me. It was to allow me release my anger. It was about knowing that revenge is not mine.

Interestingly, I have very little feelings toward him. I do hold him responsible for Miranda’s death, but I do not harbor any anger, hate, or really any emotions toward him. His fate is between him and God.  

#MirandaGaddis

#StevenCurtisChapman 

#throughthecloudoftears

#wardweaver