I wanted to give you a little background into why I became a
foster parent.
The story starts with a hysterectomy at age 26. I had always
wanted to have children. I was devastated. I had many other abdominal surgeries
as a child, and this one, physically, was not that much different. Abdominal
incision, the same recovery time, only this time my life would be forever
changed.
Shortly after the surgery, the man I would eventually marry,
told me that he wanted to adopt children. This was likely one of the reasons I
married him. (Okay, I know it was a bad reason.) We spoke of adoption many
times and a couple years into the marriage we started looking into the adoption
process. We went to one pre-adoption class and then things started falling
apart. I still tried to pursue adoption while he kept coming up with one excuse
after the other. Finally, after a couple years, it became obvious that we were
never going to adopt and I would never be a mother.
I sank into a long and significant depression. My brother
became a father, and he and his wife were expecting their second child. I
remember that Christmas, when my sister-in-law was pregnant with her second
child. It was the first Christmas with a
new baby, my parent’s first grandchild, and the excitement of a second on the
way. That Christmas seemed, at least to me, to be all about the babies.
Rightfully so. But I was in extreme emotional pain and my life seemed so empty.
As an aside, my aunt was all about giving inexpensive, and sometimes recycled
gifts. I had commented on her dish-towels a few months before and she
“thoughtfully” gave me a dish-towel for Christmas. It was clearly second hand.
My brother and his growing family walked out with lots of gifts for the baby,
the one on the way, and the new mommy (I
truly am NOT resentful of that) and I walked out with a used dish-towel. A FREAKING
USED dish-towel. It seemed to symbolize my life at that moment.
My depression continued on a downward spiral. My marriage
had never been “good” and it was falling apart at the seams. At the same time,
I began to feel an intense need to talk to my sister. I had a very strong
feeling that she would be announcing a pregnancy soon and needed to make sure
that she did not announce it in a public setting. I knew that I would fall
apart. My need to talk to her became increasingly intense until I tracked her
down and met with her at a business meeting she was attending. We went out for
coffee afterward where she announced her pregnancy. I burst into tears. I told
her that I really was happy for her, but could not stay because I was so sad
for me.
I went home and had a very long cry. Then I dried my tears
and decided that, since I was never going to be a mother, I was going to be the
most involved aunt that I could be. I packed up the baby things I had packed
away for the child I had once hoped to adopt, and took them to my sister the
next morning.
I did become a very involved aunt. My world revolved around
my niece. I dropped by my sister’s house on a regular basis to play in the pop
up tent in her room, take her on walks, to the zoo, and anything else we could
do together. When I was taking a photography class, I used her as my foreground
for whatever the assignment was for the week. Ali and wheels, Ali and statues,
Ali and water…. I took her to the children’s museum and took a series of
picture with her playing grocery cashier and wearing a fireman’s hat on a play
fire truck. Pictures of her were among the best I ever took. Oh wait, she was
the focus of nearly all my photos.
I also had a another niece and two nephews, but did not have
the opportunity to see them nearly as often. I greatly enjoyed the time I did
get to spend with them. I did get to watch them a few times when my brother and
sister-in-law went on job related travel. I so enjoyed watching them and taking
them on day trips to parks, children’s museum, and other outings.
I truly loved spending time with all my nieces and nephews.
I frequently said that I loved them as much as if they were my own. I really
felt like being an aunt was enough for me. I had successfully, I thought, put
my desire to be a parent behind me.
Several years later, after ten years in a much less than
successfully marriage, we finally divorced. I was nearly 40, divorced and
alone. My desire to adopt resurfaced but I kept trying to put in aside. I spent the next few years living in rented
rooms, or at best, a studio apartment. Now, I am not saying that there is
anything wrong with that, but between age and not being able to support myself
in more than a single room, there was no way I would ever be able to adopt. Many
times the loneliness was overwhelming. I tried to cover it by spending time
with friends, and drinking a bit too much.
In the mid 1990’s, my parents and I purchased a home
together and I was able to spend a lot of quality time with my father during
the last few months of his life. Shortly after that, my nephews came to stay
with my mom and I for a few months. I was amazed at how incredible it was to
have them in our home. I would rush home every day just to be able to spend
time with them. It felt so good to walk into the house and have these two
wonderful boys run up to give me a hug and greet me. Oh my goodness, my desire to have children
went from zero to sixty in no time flat.
When mom and I sold the house, I moved into my own apartment
in Lake Oswego. At one point, I felt an
overwhelming awareness that God had a scripture for me. I would know it when I
heard it but I was not to go looking for it. I truly felt that this scripture
would bless my socks off. I did not know what it was, but was willing to wait.
I had a good job, a nice place to live, and for the first
time, I felt that I was financially stable enough to adopt. So I began to
research. Could a forty something, single woman, who worked full-time, really
adopt? Internationally, no: Too old. Domestic adoption? Too expensive. What
about adopting through foster care? I really did not know that much about
foster care or the process of adopting though foster care. So I placed a call
to the local county foster care agency. I talked to a woman named Maureen. That
conversation would change my life.
Maureen and I talked for an hour. Adoption she assured me,
was a very real possibility, as was being a foster parent. I would not likely
be able to adopt a baby, but after having my nephews living with us for a short
time, I think I had really warmed up to the idea of a little bit older
children. Maureen encouraged me to attend the foster parent training classes. Was
I really going to be able to do this? I was on cloud nine.
I eagerly attended each and every training session. I
devoured the information. However, I, like too many adoptive parents, was wearing
my special pair of filtered glasses. I would be able to state my preferences
for what issues I could and could not accept in an adoptive child. If I felt
that I could not handle developmental disability, stealing, lying, or any
number of physical or emotional disabilities, I would simply state those
preferences and they would be respected. So when I was in training for those issues, I might not have listened
as intently as I did in other training sessions. Little did I realize that most
frequently, the foster care agency has little information about emotional
issues in the children entering care. Even if they do know about issues, they
are likely to paint a rosy picture. After all, they are trying to place the
child, not talk the prospective foster or adoptive parent out of taking the
child. The prospective parent is also listening with eyes blinded by love for
this child. All too often, children are
placed in homes that are not equipped to handle the issues that will
surface.
As I traveled through life as a foster and adoptive parent,
I looked back on the conversations with Maureen and lessons in her classes and
other classes I attended and wished I had paid more attention.
The 2 x 4.
Near the end of the foster parent training I was filling out
my paperwork for fingerprinting and background check. It was time to decide;
Foster parenting only or Foster to Adopt. I had to check one box OR the other.
That Sunday, I visited a new church in my ongoing search for
a new home church. I had been searching for many weeks but had not yet attend
this church right down the hill from my apartment. The pastor was on week two of a series on
Samuel. That week, he was teaching from
1 Samuel 2. The topic was Hannah, the barren woman who had prayed for a child
and her prayer had been answered. I was struck by the irony and moved by the message.
Hannah’s Prayer
Then
Hannah prayed and said:
“My
heart rejoices in the Lord;
in the Lord my horn[a] is lifted high.
My mouth boasts over my enemies,
for I delight in your deliverance.
in the Lord my horn[a] is lifted high.
My mouth boasts over my enemies,
for I delight in your deliverance.
2 “There is no one holy like the Lord;
there is no one besides you;
there is no Rock like our God.
there is no one besides you;
there is no Rock like our God.
3 “Do not keep talking so proudly
or let your mouth speak such arrogance,
for the Lord is a God who knows,
and by him deeds are weighed.
or let your mouth speak such arrogance,
for the Lord is a God who knows,
and by him deeds are weighed.
4 “The bows of the warriors are broken,
but those who stumbled are armed with strength.
5 Those who were full hire themselves out for food,
but those who were hungry are hungry no more.
She who was barren has borne seven children,
but she who has had many sons pines away.
but those who stumbled are armed with strength.
5 Those who were full hire themselves out for food,
but those who were hungry are hungry no more.
She who was barren has borne seven children,
but she who has had many sons pines away.
6 “The Lord
brings death and makes alive;
he brings down to the grave and raises up.
7 The Lord sends poverty and wealth;
he humbles and he exalts.
8 He raises the poor from the dust
and lifts the needy from the ash heap;
he seats them with princes
and has them inherit a throne of honor.
he brings down to the grave and raises up.
7 The Lord sends poverty and wealth;
he humbles and he exalts.
8 He raises the poor from the dust
and lifts the needy from the ash heap;
he seats them with princes
and has them inherit a throne of honor.
“For
the foundations of the earth are the Lord’s;
on them he has set the world.
9 He will guard the feet of his faithful servants,
but the wicked will be silenced in the place of darkness.
on them he has set the world.
9 He will guard the feet of his faithful servants,
but the wicked will be silenced in the place of darkness.
“It
is not by strength that one prevails;
10 those who oppose the Lord will be broken.
The Most High will thunder from heaven;
the Lord will judge the ends of the earth.
10 those who oppose the Lord will be broken.
The Most High will thunder from heaven;
the Lord will judge the ends of the earth.
“He
will give strength to his king
and exalt the horn of his anointed.”
and exalt the horn of his anointed.”
I
was moved by the message. The pastor
taught in depth about Hannah, her desire to have children, her LONG wait, and
finally, the granting if the desires of her heart. Additionally the words of
verse eight really spoke to me. Though I don’t see it as much today, I really
felt that those words, were talking about me doing foster to adopt and not
strictly adoption only. The following week, I attended that church again and the
pastor again focused on Hannah from a different perspective.
So
that week, when I turned in the paperwork and checked the “FOSTER/ADOPT” box.
On the way home, my prayer was this. “Lord, you know how much I want this. I
need to know that this is YOUR will and not mine alone. I need to know that you
have placed this desire in my heart and that this is YOUR will. I want this so
much that I really need you to hit me upside the head with a 2x4 so I will know
for sure.
When
I arrived home that day, I had a message on my answering machine. It had been
left just about the same time as I had been praying that prayer on my way home
from turning in the paperwork. It was from someone who was the least likely person
on the planet to be one of my supporters, especially in the area of adoption.
She said that in her daily Bible reading the night before she had come across a
scripture, that when she read it, she knew it was meant for me.
She
read, Psalms 113:
Psalm 113
1 Praise the Lord.[a]
Praise
the Lord, you his servants;
praise the name of the Lord.
2 Let the name of the Lord be praised,
both now and forevermore.
3 From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets,
the name of the Lord is to be praised.
praise the name of the Lord.
2 Let the name of the Lord be praised,
both now and forevermore.
3 From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets,
the name of the Lord is to be praised.
4 The Lord is
exalted over all the nations,
his glory above the heavens.
5 Who is like the Lord our God,
the One who sits enthroned on high,
6 who stoops down to look
on the heavens and the earth?
his glory above the heavens.
5 Who is like the Lord our God,
the One who sits enthroned on high,
6 who stoops down to look
on the heavens and the earth?
7 He raises the poor from the dust
and lifts the needy from the ash heap;
8 he seats them with princes,
with the princes of his people.
9 He settles the childless woman in her home
as a happy mother of children.
and lifts the needy from the ash heap;
8 he seats them with princes,
with the princes of his people.
9 He settles the childless woman in her home
as a happy mother of children.
Praise
the Lord
This was the passage that I had been promised. It was the third
time in two weeks that I had been given this passage. The third time it was
indeed a 2x4. I felt that the Lord was
saying, “you will be a mother of more than on child.” I knew that the desire to
be a mother was a God given desire and he would give me the desire of my heart
and would bless my socks off.
